As I sit here looking back on a conversation I had just moments ago I think I am still not over my marital situation. I am not over the abuse. I guess sometimes I don’t realize what really happened in that marriage even 2 years later. As I discussed my situation with my old neighbor of thirteen years and friend of fifteen I realized that I am still a victim.
Honestly I thought I had broken the spell. Thirteen years of a war with no complete casualties, just lashes thrown out three times a day every day. Then, once in a while a scud missile would fly in and attack my world. I have controlled the war the last six months and scud missiles no longer exist in the separation. We are 99.1 percent almost there. The end . The end of my marital chapter. The end of our lives together. I don’t feel any negative emotions.
I am purely positive at this point that anything would have been better than living that life any more. There were so many good times. I am not saying it was a terrible solid thirteen years. That would be a lie. There was just always this level of crazy happening. Whether It be mean words circling around, yelling because things aren’t as they should be, limited positive reinforcement, barely any kind moments, extremely fearful moments, not being able to leave the house when a war started, trying so hard only to fail at all points, common house hold chores not finished the way they “should be,” and a guilty-until- proven-innocent lifestyle. There was no room to talk once you were found guilty of something. Fights would look something like this:
Him- Why isn’t the laundry put away?
Me- I haven’t had the time to get it into the drawers…
Him- What the f@#k did you do all day?
Me- I went to the store, food shopped, took care of the kids…
Him- Did you at least cook dinner?
Now by this moment I am welled up inside and my brain is ready to explode with anger. Nothing kind has happened in the first moments he is home from work. We have no road to come back from this treatment. I feel sad inside, belittled, disturbed, stupid. I am now a mess and explaining what I did today in a defensive manner. I am defending my day because he is insinuating I have been lazy by tone and mannerism. Of course, he will deny that later on and act like I am crazy or dumb. Neither of which I am.
It was this quickly that our life went from cute and happy to annoyed and miserable. This occurred nine months into the marriage and remained there until the end. We never bounced back in thirteen years.
I made up excuses for why he acted that way. Anything from work made him tired, tired made him cranky and maybe I should be better at getting that laundry put away. Maybe I am doing it wrong. I started to accept that I did things wrong all the time and then tried to fix them. Changing myself into what he needed and letting go of what I wanted. It was pressure to be perfect for that marriage.
I often times wonder why I would keep fighting to make it all work but the truth is you don’t know that it is killing you. Becoming a better person is everyone’s goal in life (or should be). So I wanted to be better for my husband, after all he was the one I wanted to be with forever so I sure the hell wanted it to work come hell or high water. I changed, altered, accepted and lived unconditionally. Until one day I had enough.
Even though that one day had occurred, I still have moments where I believe I have ruined his life. I am still holding myself accountable for a bad marriage. He has me so trained that I still see him as the victim.
I realized today that I need to not feel responsible for the death of this marriage.
I didn’t ruin his life by leaving. I didn’t make his life worse single-handedly.
I didn’t push things to go the ways they went. I followed a leader and tried to stay on path.
I loved every way a person could love.
I searched for what would work for years and then one day I quit too.
I screwed up while trying to find the answers to a happier marriage. I realize now that personality plays a gigantic part in relationships. We marry people that we aren’t connected to 100% and we settle for that 75%. We do it because society says to settle. Comments such as “He’s the best you’ll get.” “She’s not perfect but who is?” “The grass isn’t always greener.” “Everyone has rough patches in their marriage.” Really? Everyone? There are rough patches and there are ROUGH patches. Everyone may have arguments once in while however everyone sure the heck isn’t throwing dishes, plates, chairs in the middle of an argument.
Rough patches don’t include daily behavior. A rough patch is a strange impactful moment, but just that–a moment. When it becomes your new life then it is a lifestyle and I refuse to live a miserable lifestyle. I have learned that the grass is way greener. Sometimes it has a bit of yellow mixed in but with some more sun and water it grows back to its bright green.